Thursday, March 10, 2005
Finding my voice
I haven't been posting very much recently. I know the reason - - some of it has to do with the pressures of time (duh, so I'm alone in this?) but most has to do with trying to find my voice.
So what's that about? Before my father's death (ok, I dwell on this a little, but it has been a turning point) I had thought I was on to something - - - and then that something was blown totally out of the water. My life, like my posts, began a sort of furtive discursive dance as if I were a moth seeking a place to land but never quite feeling close enough to the light.
Lately, I've found some more secure landing spots and have been able to look back at the last couple of months as if I had dreamt them. And, like a Dali painting, this perspective reveals a distortion of time, landscape and personality. In other words, I've been a little bit nuts.
I never realized, for example, how many ways there were to piss off your friends and loved ones. I have discovered many these past few weeks. (For those interested, the core element of the 'piss-off' technique is: ignore the fact that the people you love are caring for you so that you can take your grief/anger out on them. This is very effective.)
Another symptom of my 'Dali-esque' life has been an obsession with bad movies. The worse the better. I've sat up late watching outright trash just so long as it didn't have commercials, which seems to be my only real standard for judging quality. I also went through a phase of wanting a bigger and better TV. I even ordered one which my wife (thank goodness) convinced me to send back.
Finally, and I am loathe (or is it loaf?) to admit it, I've been eating like a horse (actually, the analogy doesn't work - horses eat well) - - - I've been eating like an average american. I've gained a good 5 - 10 pounds these past two months and none of my clothes fit. So not only am I flitting like a moth I look like a rolly-polly.
My recent posts have reflected my wandering psyche and have been unfocused and, like my profile, a bit bloated. But I think I am finding level ground for myself and in doing so I am gaining new motivation and resolve in continuing to write about the things that I originally set out to discover about myself, namely, a search for my roots.
Perhaps my search will resonate with the journeys of others, or perhaps it will amuse the well-grounded out there (all one of you). Or, it's possible I will become the object of "reality-blog" voyeurism and be cheered or booed for my ability to withstand horrible trials of life.
Whatever the search becomes, I am determined now to move forward in a positive and somewhat focused direction (if you know me, "focused" is a relative term).
Now, what was I saying?
So what's that about? Before my father's death (ok, I dwell on this a little, but it has been a turning point) I had thought I was on to something - - - and then that something was blown totally out of the water. My life, like my posts, began a sort of furtive discursive dance as if I were a moth seeking a place to land but never quite feeling close enough to the light.
Lately, I've found some more secure landing spots and have been able to look back at the last couple of months as if I had dreamt them. And, like a Dali painting, this perspective reveals a distortion of time, landscape and personality. In other words, I've been a little bit nuts.
I never realized, for example, how many ways there were to piss off your friends and loved ones. I have discovered many these past few weeks. (For those interested, the core element of the 'piss-off' technique is: ignore the fact that the people you love are caring for you so that you can take your grief/anger out on them. This is very effective.)
Another symptom of my 'Dali-esque' life has been an obsession with bad movies. The worse the better. I've sat up late watching outright trash just so long as it didn't have commercials, which seems to be my only real standard for judging quality. I also went through a phase of wanting a bigger and better TV. I even ordered one which my wife (thank goodness) convinced me to send back.
Finally, and I am loathe (or is it loaf?) to admit it, I've been eating like a horse (actually, the analogy doesn't work - horses eat well) - - - I've been eating like an average american. I've gained a good 5 - 10 pounds these past two months and none of my clothes fit. So not only am I flitting like a moth I look like a rolly-polly.
My recent posts have reflected my wandering psyche and have been unfocused and, like my profile, a bit bloated. But I think I am finding level ground for myself and in doing so I am gaining new motivation and resolve in continuing to write about the things that I originally set out to discover about myself, namely, a search for my roots.
Perhaps my search will resonate with the journeys of others, or perhaps it will amuse the well-grounded out there (all one of you). Or, it's possible I will become the object of "reality-blog" voyeurism and be cheered or booed for my ability to withstand horrible trials of life.
Whatever the search becomes, I am determined now to move forward in a positive and somewhat focused direction (if you know me, "focused" is a relative term).
Now, what was I saying?
# posted by Michael Christopher : 12:27 AM
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